Wednesday in the Word

what the Bible means and how we know

parenting

Pearls of Wisdom: on parenting

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Pearls of Wisdom on Parenting | WednesdayintheWord.com

About this series: Many years ago, we asked the matriarchs in our church to share “pearls of wisdom” they learned over the course of their walk with the Lord. We collected their stories in a booklet which we distributed through women’s ministries.  My copy of the booklet is now tattered and faded, and many of the women quoted are home with the Lord.

To honor their wisdom and keep their words alive, I am sharing their pearls here before my booklet turns to dust or gets lost in the clutter of daily life.

I hope these words inspire you to share a cup of tea with an older woman in your church and listen to her pearls of wisdom.

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On Child-rearing

Be direct with your children; it makes them feel secure.  Whenever we had bad news to share or a crisis, we called a meeting of the Churchill Committee.  Jordan was the president, I was the vice president, and I suppose the children had other offices.  We also called the Churchill Committee to order when we had decisions to make, for instance about vacations or the like.  We would hold discussions and then put it to a vote, and it helped the children feel more a part of decisions.

Praise is very important.  Give choices, but not too many.  And have realistic expectations.  My niece had her grandchildren visiting, and one was balking at the food at dinner.  She said, “Alright, darling, ready for your bath?”  She gave him a choice of dinner or bedtime.  She said, “I do the best I can to put what you like on the table, and you may eat it or go to bed.”

I recently told one of my grandchildren, “Sit down and eat and grow up to be a strong, fine person.  Otherwise, you’ll be a weedy little weed that the first wispy wind will blow over.”

Bedtime stories are terribly important; or that time can be used to discuss the day’s events.  Husbands need to take a part in it.  He’s tired, but so is the mother; it’s such an important time.  Incidentally, withholding a bedtime story for one night is a very effective discipline tool.  Warn the child that if the talking back, for instance, continues, there will be no story that night.  Then stick to it!

One of my daughters used to say, “But Mummy, everybody’s doing it.  I would say, “But darling, why do you want to be like everybody?  The Lord created you unique, somebody very special, so why on earth do you want to be like everybody?!”  -Mary Churchill

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I wasn’t the mother I wished I could have been;  I remember being impatient.  I do remember one day driving and looking up at the sky and saying, “Lord, I know you don’t want me to be bogged down with all this stuff;”  and–at least for a while– I just let it go!  It felt so good.  But don’t let the busy-ness of these years make you forget how fast they’ll be gone.  Take time to sit down and do nothing; play games, read with your kids.  Stop rushing so and worrying.  -Anonymous

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I’ve been blessed with a sense of humor, but I like to say, “If you don’t have a sense of humor, you’d better develop one!”  That’s important in all aspects of life, but especially with children.  How?  Develop the ability to let go and get out of yourself.  Try to see the humor in a situation, the story in it.

It’s often hard for mothers to “lighten up,” but it’s important.  Maybe they learn that by the fourth or fifth child!  It was hard for me, even though I majored in early childhood development and taught for years.  It seems the first child has the hardest time; it’s hard for parents to sort out what’s most important to be firm about.  I remember when our oldest was 16 or so, Peyton Place was new on TV.  I tried to talk her out of watching it, and George thought I was being too strict.  Finally I gave up, and soon Marcy saw it was just a stupid program and stopped watching it on her own.  We must release our children to the Holy Spirit, as we can’t control everything in their lives.  I know that’s scary today, with our culture.

The early years are crucial.  So many children are in daycare, but one on one is vital then.  Someone who’s interested needs to be nearby to hear about their paintings and let the child  know that what they’re doing has value.  Encouraging imaginative play and play with materials from nature should start very early, and television makes it hard.  Camping is wonderful, but walking in the woods is a treat in itself.  Situations without many things are great, because children have to invent their own fun.  I remember a time in our popup camper, in the rain, with our four girls, sitting on the beds eating tomato soup and playing card games.  It was great!  But another time, we took some little girls from the neighborhood on a walk in the woods, and they kept saying, “When are we going to get there?”  They didn’t realize that we were there!  Happiness is a by-product.

There’s no such thing as perfect parents.  “Balance” is a key word, and you also need to be flexible, which ties in with what I said about developing a sense of humor.  You do the best you can with your knowledge and with God’s direction and support, but you do make mistakes.  Prayer has always been so important. You bring your children to God with holes in them, and you hope the holes aren’t gaping wounds, like drugs or premarital sex.  Develop your own interests;  you need time to get away.  Swap with another mom.  You put so much into your children, but you are an individual and God expects you to take care of yourself.   -Miriam Reed

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Also in this series:

Photo used here under Flickr Creative Commons.

Observations on the Empty Nest

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Thoughts on life after children fly the nest:

  1. The internet connection is MUCH faster.
  2. I must have been a wonderful parent because suddenly everyone is offering to give me their kids for a day.
  3. The car keys and the remote are always where I left them.
  4. Food lasts much longer, especially leftovers.
  5. Children call home a lot more when they are out of the house than when they were in it.
  6. I actually know how much gas is in car at any given moment.
  7. Weekends are longer.
  8. My reading pile is shrinking faster than its growing.
  9. While raising children, the days are long but the years are short.
  10. In the empty nest, the days are short but the years are long.
  11. They come back and they need you in a different way.
  12. Grandchildren are worth it!  Grandparenting is all the fun of parenting with a good night’s sleep.

Resources for parents

3 Must-Read Parenting Books

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Reading to Son

In response to your requests, I’ve added my book list for parents to the WitW Resources.  Since my children are now grown, some of these books may be dated; perhaps some better books may have since been written.  However, some of these books are timeless classics.

Raising Your Spirited Child

 

If I had to go back to being a new parent again and could only read one book, Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka would be it. This book saved my parenting life! The advice in many of the parenting books I read was completely ineffective with my children. After reading Kurchinka’s book, I understood why.

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How to Really Love Your Child

Okay, if I had to go back and could only read one book, it would be very difficult to choose between How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell and Raising your Spirited Child. Both of these books were foundational in my learning to be a good parent. Let’s say this:  If you do not have spirited children, read Campbell’s book. If you do have spirited children, read Kurcinka’s book.  If you have both, read both books!

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Let’s Make a Memory by Gloria Gaither and Shirley Dobson changed our holidays. I’d classify it with the Penny Whistle party books (see “Play, Games & Toys” in the book list) for moving our holidays and birthdays out of the routine and into the dazzling.  My adult children remember their birthdays as the highlight of the year.  While I’m skeptical, they insist they were popular in elementary school because of their birthday parties.

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All hardship is not harmful

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A few years ago there was an article in Time magazine called “The Growing Backlash Against Overparenting” by Nancy Gibbs. It began like this:

The insanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for our kids. We bought macrobiotic cupcakes and hypoallergenic socks, hired tutors to correct a 5-year-old’s “pencil-holding deficiency,” hooked up broadband connections in the tree house but took down the swing set after the second skinned knee. We hovered over every school, playground and practice field—“helicopter parents,” teachers christened us, a phenomenon that spread to parents of all ages, races and regions.

Stores began marketing stove-knob covers and “Kinderkords” (also known as leashes; they allow “three full feet of freedom for both you and your child”) and Baby Kneepads (as if babies don’t come prepadded). The mayor of a Connecticut town agreed to chop down three hickory trees on one block after a woman worried that a stray nut might drop into her new swimming pool, where her nut-allergic grandson occasionally swam. A Texas school required parents wanting to help with the second-grade holiday party to have a background check first. Schools auctioned off the right to cut the carpool line and drop a child directly in front of the building — a spot that in other settings is known as handicapped parking.

We were so obsessed with our kids’ success that parenting turned into a form of product development. Parents demanded that nursery schools offer Mandarin, since it’s never too soon to prepare for the competition of a global economy. High school teachers received irate text messages from parents protesting an exam grade before class was even over; college deans described freshmen as “crispies,” who arrived at college already burned out, and “teacups,” who seemed ready to break at the tiniest stress.

What has turned us into “helicopter parents?” When did we learn that all hardship is harmful, that every unknown is dangerous, and that even the tiniest failure must be avoided?

Perhaps the answer is when we lost our belief in God.  Overparenting is a logical conclusion if we alone are responsible for everything.  Without a God who is in control, I alone am responsible; I alone have to make the world safe for my children;  I alone have to navigate the stormy waters of life and defend myself and my family against every danger.

But the Bible teaches that we are not alone.

Instead, we are cared for by One who intends that we have life “in abundance.” Further, the hardships of life come our way to produce good — not damage — as we grow in faith.

Consider some of the images for trials and suffering we find in the New Testament: a gardener prunes a vine so that it will be fruitful (John 15:1-2); a wise parent disciplines children (Heb. 12:7-9); a fiery crucible purifies gold (1Pet. 1:6-7).  Scripture teaches repeatedly that good comes from hardship.

As James teaches in chapter 1, faith grows when it is tested.  James started his letter with the admonition to rejoice in trials and hardships because they have a purpose.  That purpose is to mature and strengthen our faith.